my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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