my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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