Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
