Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
