i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
