No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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