Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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