No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
