i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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