I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it was like having sex with a tree stump
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
