over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
