i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
