I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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