as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
