someone threw a dead crab at me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
do nipples grow back?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
