You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
