i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
