great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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