saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
