You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
