someone owes me an orgasm
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Houston, we have a squirter
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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