ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
