Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How does one acquire holy water?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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