He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
