Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
