Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
