They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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