it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
