i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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