dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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