nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
