I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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