He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
