i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
