I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
