This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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