easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
