every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
