So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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