did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
operation harelip BJ is a go
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
