So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am available for nakedness
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
