im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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