im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
birth control should be required to get into college
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
