It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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