Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
