btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
