I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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