Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
