She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
