I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
