Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
